Selfish Loyalties

Over the last several weeks, indeed, over the past year or more, it's comes to my attention that a few of the people that I know, loved and trusted shouldn't have been trusted. "Rumor has it..." has become a popular introductory phrase with some of my friends, some of which should know better than to ask privacy-invasive questions like that. Still others should know better because of the source of the rumors.

In the past, trust issues healed quickly for me because I was actively dismiss betrays just as the moment past. What I later found out was that if I continually forgot who was breaking trust with me, they would soon figure that out and continue to break trust and escalate the betrayals until someone got hurt. I had to learn to remember who had hurt me and keep them at a distance. This worked pretty well and, occasionally, I would get an acknowledgement and apology for truly bad "friendship" behaviors. In my youth, my friends and my enemies were often the same people.

I had expectations and I know that's where I went wrong. When I grew older, I longed for the day that "I would work with adults". I soon had this illusion broken. Though I still see some glimpses that there were a few true adults that could operate from a center of integrity. People of great integrity are few and far between and should be celebrated for their perseverance.

Now, as I am the adult and more the master of my own life, I am again bitten by the challenges of integrity, both others and my own. I see that some people feel that breaking their personal integrity (if it was ever there to be broken in the first place) can be easily self-absolved with "oh, it's just for fun" and "it's not a serious lie". Funny how the echo of a single falsehood reverberates so long and so deep.

And, like echoes of lies, deception and manipulation that overlap, eventually the echoes collide and resonate, shaking lose trust and eventually faith in people.

So, we come down to decision time: who to shut out, who to put up with, who to confide in and what to keep secret and private, hidden from all? It's tough to know what "the right answer" is. Do I make decisions on a case-by-case basis or do I decide that I've invested enough time and effort over the years on this problem and just "cut bait" on the people and problems? Neither sounds like fun and laughs. The former option means more work for me to adjusted to everyone else's lives. The latter means I choose me over everyone else - period. While the latter is sometimes the right answer, I can't be sure here. Were it a mere moment in time, it would pass unnoticed. But, as it has repeated again and again, echoing, I have to consider a new path.

I do know my responsibilities here. I did create things after all, formed in my own human needs and frailties, in my overly openness, kindness and my naivete about the core human spirit that everyone would share. And, as the originating noise was to be discrete, private and true, the echoes have distorted into something ugly, divisive and hurtful. So much so that people hearing these echoes speak ill and speak of harm's way. Even in jest, there is an element of truth here and, over time, the humor is lost and only base sentiments remains.

Complicating for me personally is growth. Growth is life for me. Change is life for me. Self awareness is life for me. Even as change creates fear and grief in me, I know it's why I am. Here I stand at the edge of more growth and change, the potential to destroy or release some people and things I have grown to love and appreciate. Time, this is the key. Were it only a "one off", a single isolated moment of time, this would pass unnoticed. But the accumulation of echoes brings my realization of how much I have learned about myself and other, and how much more I have turned a deaf ear to and a blinded eye upon. In the end, I have the responsibility of ownership in these echoes.

To what action, path or plan shall I take? Screaming back at the echoes heats the situation and people feelings. From "you're too sensitive", and "I was just joking" to "I feel like you don't want to be my friend anymore", taking a vocal stand is not popular, especially in today's society of "just go along with it quietly, idiot". The passive, deaf ear and blind eye has, like in my earlier years, gotten me "more of the same". As I do believe in the quote "the definition of insanity is to repeat the same action over and over and expect a different result", I am driven to make change, to take an action. After all, I already know that doing what I have already done will get me more of the same in the future.

So screaming about it is out. So silent, willful ignorance is out. What's left? Abdication? Resignation? Do I surrender to the people and their collective wills or do I surrender to my vision of life. Of late, even my personal vision has been under attack by my own self awareness. I cling to slivers of my integrity, for my personal visions of my life falters under the realities of my past decisions. If I lose another sliver, blasted by combining echoes, or new voices of dissonance or the very real possibilities of my being manipulated for someone else's selfish gain or goals, I may find myself lost to a void of directionless wonder... "This boat adrift."

I will find a way. Like other quotes, I believe in my own: "There are at least three ways to solve any problem: Do more, do the opposite, and do nothing." I have done more and I have done nothing. Now is the time to consider the opposites.

But, even as every plan is hatched, there is always a wild card that can alter every equation, every motive and intention, every success and failure. That wild card is people.

Creed of Integrity

Note: I have had this sitting around a while in my email. I wrote it many months back when someone was having trouble understanding "where I was coming from." After lengthy discourse, I came to realize that perhaps I think and feel differently that others. Here I attempt to capture who I choose to be and who I hope I am.


Creed of Integrity

I am happy with who I am.
I try to bring joy to everyone I encounter.
I strive to extend myself and grow personally.
I learn from my failures and my successes.
I learn from the failure and the success of others.
I do not berate nor am I self-defacing when I fail.
I am moderately humble.
I keep my self-pride within.
I make appropriate distinctions about life and act accordingly.
I choose how I feel.
I am responsible for how I choose to feel.
I acknowledge my feelings but choose how I respond.
I do not accept responsibility for how others choose to feel.
I do be responsible for my actions.
I do not accept responsibility for the past actions of others.
I am responsible for interrupting the actions of others only if they
are doing harm to my being or doing unconscious and irreparable harm to their being.
I consciously decide to do no harm.
I leave all things in existence as I found them, or better.
I love and respect family as I love and respect myself, or better.
I love and respect my neighbors as I love and respect myself, or
better.
I love and respect strangers as I love and respect myself, or better.
I love and respect my enemies as I love and respect myself, or
better.
I will not recognize divisions of people.
I honor my creator without end.
I honor my creator without requiring others to do so.
I experience life.

Job Offered, Job Taken

I recieved a job offer last Friday. I accepted to it today. After four weeks, I glad to be getting back to work finally. This job will afford me some new skills and work with a new group of folks. I found myself without work just before the planning stages for my next European vacation and looks like I'll have to push that off for some time now. Too bad - I was very much looking forward to getting away for a while.

I'd like the thank middle and upper management at (you'll have to fill in the company name - I'm under contract not to mention them by name) for the may interesting decisions that lead to my new job.

Now maybe I can sleep...

Poem: Music

She sings to me.
Lite and bouncy
or sullen and moody.
I am happy to hear her in my ears.

He just screams or speaks at me.
Anger, fear or love,
Urgency in every syllable,
I am happy to hear him in my ears.

They create dimensions in sound for me.
I see the ribbons of interlacing vibrations,
Twisting in a dance of motion and sound.
I am happy to hear them in my ears.

Poem: Sometimes

Sometimes I want to cry, to weep.
It comes when I am quiet and alone, not in turmoil.
I remember those I loved and those who choose not to stay.
I remember those that loved me and I could not choose to stay.
I remember those I loved and I destroyed the possibilities by mis-step or ignorance.
I remember those I loves that didn't get the chance to be.
And I remember who I thought I wanted to be.

But I don't cry any more.
Scarcely a tear.
Denial or acceptance, I don't know which.
And then the feeling passes,
Filled in with the “now of things”.
The past returns to a place beyond consideration
And I return to being who am I.

Poem: A Shudder of Shadows

In my youth, in my lucid dreams of self,
I was a piercing white light,
Scarcely outlined in human form.
In this way I overcame the anger and the fear.

I have traveled into dark gray shadow,
The soul faintly lite by the echoes of myself.
I have traveled darkly
And then returned to shades of gray.

I am a shudder of shadows now,
The piercing white light flares over the dim gray,
A remembrance of unworkable absolutes,
A recognition of the realities and reconciliations
And, thus far, the eternal transitions between.

Being home has been kind of nice

Not having a job for a few weeks has offered me a few unique opportunities. In addition to taking my Fridays off, I got to actually "live in my house" for the first time since I moved in two and half years ago. The American Life and it's "required" 40 to 90 hour work week often turns a house into a place to collect stuff and sleep, at least for some of we single people. Being home for three and a half weeks, I've eaten at home, slept in (but only occasionally), cleaned house repeatedly, did laundry repeatedly. Despite the angry, frustration and worry over finding another job and occasional cabin-fever, being home has been kind of nice.

A few thoughts about government

Introduction
Humanity isn't perfect but we could do a better job of protecting ourselves from ourselves. Government is where we traditionally look for this protection but it is also subject to the same failings of man. Over a significant period of time, government accumulates these failings and begins to fail it's primary goal.

Hyperactive Legislation
The shortcomings of men collect in the various niches of government. One such niche is the cycle of legislation creation. At some point, a government should be allowed to be complete, if only for a period of time, in the sense of making new laws. Without the concept and possibility of "being complete", a government will continually need to recreate it's self by unnecessarily passing some new laws, altering laws and replacing laws continually in an effort to protect it's need to exist. In the current world of man, this creates a unnecessary cycle which allows for corruption of leadership and abuse of power. This overactive cycle of government self-protection and self-importances often spills over into other important, non-legislative decisions such as economic and international policies where individuals begin to work only for their place in recorded history.

Process of The Review of Law
Without a constant need to prove the necessity of it's existence, government becomes much less hyperactive and reduce the tendencies for radical behaviors in other areas. Replacing part of hyperactive legislation, new task for government could be created. Government could elect a concept of "Review of Laws". This would involve associating a time period with some laws, fifty years for example. At the end of the time period, the need and value for that law would be re-evaluated and renewed if it is decided the law remains necessary in the society and culture present during the review of that law. If law can't be justified in that current society, the law is receded. Perhaps not all laws would be available to be reviewed in this fashion, specifically those in which life or property has been forcefully altered without adequate permission, but certainly there are many laws would be very likely candidates.

Human Rights for All
For a government to be in service of it's citizenry, it often rightly affords guarantees of basic human rights to it's citizens to assist in the balance of power and prevention of abuses. However, if these rights are only afforded to a government's citizens alone, these basic human rights become only privileges of citizenry (and thus revocable.) Any true human rights afforded to a citizen of one country or government is worthy of extending to all of humanity, regardless of citizenship status. An an example, if you can not be detained and questioned without official charges brought to bare as a citizen, then we should at not be an except non-citizens from this same basic human right. The same is true of protection from torture, respect of life and property and basic liberties.

Checks and Balances for Seats of Power
All governments created to service it's citizenry should include a mechanism to easily recall individuals serving in a government office by the regional electorate. Without this additional accountability to the electorate, government tends to proceeded with the needs of the individuals in office rather of the needs of the regional electorate, society and culture for which they were to serve.

Government Devoid of Religion
Despite the assertions to the contrary from many religions and spiritual paths, the afterlife is not known by the living and thus making decisions for the living, based on the unknowns of an afterlife, is irresponsible, harmful and reckless. Governments which shown very public favoritism to a specific religious affiliation have historically serviced only that faction and have tendencies to persecute groups not part of the same religious affiliation in subtle or extreme actions. At no time should religion or spiritual beliefs be allowed as only mechanism for creating policy for any government leadership or congregation of leadership in government where there is more than one religious or spiritual belief amongst the electorate.

Replacing Representative Democracy with Pure Democracy
I project that, in the formation of historically democratic governments, it wasn't physically possibility of all eligible electorate to participate directly with the decisions of their government. Thus, delegates for government were created to serve as a voice for many. As they are positions of prestige and power, these delegates required approval by the electorate to speak for regions of an electorate body. Thus localized voting for elected official speakers for a regional electorate came into existence. In our modern age and in modern societies, this form of representative democracy is no longer needed. It is very technically possible to solve the issues of communication of the electorate to a governing body. Implementing this shift away from representatives, it is also possible that the electorate body and the majority governing body to be come the same entity. While a pure implement of this concept would require heavily amended or completely rewritten democratic constitutions, it would seem to be a better mechanism for collecting, evaluating and committing to large scale decisions about a given democratic society's laws and acceptable cultural expression.

True Leadership, Devoid of Lust of Power
Currently and very cynically speaking, "Men who seek power do not deserve nor should be trusted with it." People with true leadership abilities do not need the constructs and trappings of power to create positive change in their societies and culture. A government formed to be truly in the service of it's citizenry would not have any lifetime office appointments or long terms of office to accomplish it's mission. These long terms create a static nature in government and a platform for the trappings of power. Government is a service to the citizenry and should be treated as a necessary task of a society and culture and not a station of power and reward. Limited office terms in government may also level the class divisions while empowering and elevating the less fortunate classes to a higher status of involvement, responsibility and prosperity. We have seen the effects of government policy and change, both positive and negative, take hold well within eight year term. It seems reasonable for individuals, serving in any government office, to have term limits to between eight and twelves years consecutively, a reasonable limit on total government service in a given government office and a reasonable limit on total government service in any governement office. Serving in government should be a privilege and never an occupation.

Conclusion
The Founding Fathers of America did a fine job creating a new implementation of government, tackling as many issues as possible, the most notable exceptions being slavery and respect to indigenous peoples, and holding it all together until the government begin working on it's own. They created a structure for the citizenry to provide guidance to that newly formed government in raw, primative and wide lands of the early America. But our society has radically changed in the last 218 years since the American constitution was created. American Representative Democracy is due for an major update and I hope these next update(s) to American Democracy protect all of humanity from further greed, lust for power and corruption and let societies and humanity progress into the future with peace and true freedom.

All dressed up...

It happened again.
This evening, I got dressed up in my "going out" clothes
and then ... I stayed home.
Again.
I think my vacation from my social group is coming to a close soon.

Keeping my tongue

I've kept my tongue silent for a long time,
Not feeling wise enough or smart enough to speak my thoughts and ideas.
I've waited for wiser men and women to speak for me.
Those people that speak loudest these days say they speak for me,
And they speak misleading things, prejudiced things and commit to terrible actions.

So I will speak.
I'll do my best to apply wisdom and Truth
But I am not willing to swallow the words of others any more.

"The Notion of Freedom and Security"

"The notions of freedom and security seem to oppose each other. Security originates from the small, particular and definite. Freedom, on the other hand, is generated by the large, general and unlimited.

Any demarcation, real or imagined, which limits someone or something becomes a boundary, and this is the determining factor in both freedom and security. Boundaries may be fences, laws or beliefs. They may be nation bounders, brick walls, or approved behaviors. Mental constraints, the strongest of all, separate the acceptable from the unacceptable. The limited nature of a boundary creates security by diminishing access so when a home is inviolate it becomes a castle.

An ability to cut across boundaries results in freedom, while the ability to keep one's boundaries strong results in security. The turtle carries its bony protection while the wings of a wild goose create the independence it seeks.

Boundaries are meant to include as well as exclude, and with each larger boundary drawn, differences vanish and the need for law shrivels. Including strengthens, as there are fewer boundaries to patrol. The size of one's personal periphery depends on the strength of its center, so this center must be firm before the mind can begin to expand. If expansion is too rapid the center begins to wobble and the entire structure is threatened. To expand is to risk and to shrink is to guarantee.

Living without any boundaries at all is to align one's fate with that of the cosmos. Security is created by marking and maintaining boundaries and freedom by expanding and erasing them. A boundary pencil has two ends and they both need to be sharp." - Nelson Zink, The Structure of Delight

Positive Feedback (at last)

After one of the phone screenings I had this week, I ask "how did I do" on the part of the screening I thought I knew. Seems that I do, in fact, "know my [Java] stuff."

Today I went to my free "career transition" service. I showed the resume I've been farming around as well as my "looking for work" log. "Very good!" I was told.

So, despite not having a job or job offers, I seem to be doing fairly well. I guess that's progress.

Tired of searching for a job and running down job leads

I lost four jobs today. Okay, technically, I loss the opportunity at four jobs with the same company. That was kind of a draining phone call to take.

It hasn't been quite two weeks since I lost my job. I've been keeping a log for my unemployment claim. To date, I have 59 entries of what I've been doing to get a job. Some are those are umbrella entries like "updated 15 job sites with my resume" or "email 20 people with my resume." 59 entries and those are just the ones I remembered for log. I can't tell if I'm doing enough to get a job.

Been on line for literally days on end looking for a job (dial up is very, very very slow. I've considered upgrading but I'm not sure I should spend the money right now.) I've been on IM allot the last two weeks. I went tubing at a local river last Friday, has numerous lunches, dinners and drinks with former-fellow coworkers in the last two weeks but cabin fever is starting. Anger and frustration have started to linger in the background.

I don't interview well. I have an annoying habit of telling the truth while down playing my abilities. My resume is still missing the necessary T.L.A.'s that'd get me employed. My last job offered a limited amount of exposure to allot of things and, thus far, no company has been interested in getting a "jack of all trades, master of few" employee. I need to remember to say "I can learn anything I don't already know." When I do remember to say that, it usually comes out as "If you have a collaborative team that know it and/or an Internet connection, I can learn it." I guess that's not a good enough selling point. Everyone seems to want the "know-i- all that can jump in day one and make them money."

This Wednesday is marks the end of Plan A - find a job in north Austin. Plan A-1 is get any job that will help the unemployment claim pay my mortgage and buy me food when my cash runs out. Plan B includes looking for jobs in other cities including outside of Texas. That'll only be a two week plan too. After that, Plan C - Europe.

I'm tired of looking for a job.

Mortgage

I just mailed my first mortgage payment while being unemployed.
That was very unnerving.

Poem: Awareness

I am not nearly as smart as I think I am
And I know more than I think I do.
It is not that I'm unaware
But that I am not aware enough.

Laid off - Time for more changes

Okay, so I got laid off this week.

I worked Monday until late. I worked Tuesday even later. Wednesday "they" laid me (and a few others) off. That's gratitude. Looking the people they laid off, I've got to wonder "What were they thinking?!"

Wednesday evening I choose not to go out drinking (in celebration of my forced freedom from my previous employer) and instead went to a sneak preview movie with friends ("The Island" - I enjoyed both the movie and spending time with my friends). On my way there, a recruiter called (twice) and set up a phone screening for Thursday. The phone screening went okay but did remind me of how my skill set has been centered around a nitch technology (and by nitch, I mean other nitch market players like Microsoft, IBM, Informatica. You get the point.)

I found out that often people don't actually READ resumes. In our brave new world of Googlers and Yahoo-ers, people have become more about checking for keywords than reading. No big deal - I'll just find the key words that describe what I know and dust off the other skills and demonstrate my ownership and ability to learn new things.

Anyway, I've update my resume, sent it to 50 people which in turn have forwarded on to several more people, etc. "Networking." I've filled up my white board at home, erased it, and filled it up again.

While waiting to get employed, I'm working on a plan to get employed.

Distinctions

dis·tinc·tion (d-stngkshn) n.
1. The act of distinguishing; differentiation.
2. The condition or fact of being dissimilar or distinct; difference: the crucial distinction between education and indoctrination (A. Bartlett Giamatti). See Synonyms at difference.
3. A distinguishing factor, attribute, or characteristic.
4.
a. Excellence or eminence, as of performance, character, or reputation: a diplomat of distinction.
b. A special feature or quality conferring superiority.
5. Recognition of achievement or superiority; honor: graduated with distinction.


democracy (d-mkr-s) n.
1. Government by the people, exercised either directly or through elected representatives.
2. A political or social unit that has such a government.
3. The common people, considered as the primary source of political power.
4. Majority rule.
5. The principles of social equality and respect for the individual within a community.


theocracy (th-kr-s) n.
1: a political unit governed by a deity (or by officials thought to be divinely guided)
2: the belief in government by divine guidance


hierocracy (h-rkr-s, h-rk-) n.
Government by the clergy; ecclesiastical rule


Note: all definitions taken from http://dictionary.reference.com/

Sometimes to go forward you have to first backup

I wrote some apologies today. For one of them I didn't particular want to since I wrote them from the "willing to be responsible for everything" point of view. This point of view often lack of the distinctions necessary to completely describe the problems, issues or situations. But an apology isn't about describing, it's about letting go problems, issues and situations that don't work and asking someone else to let go too. I feel uneasy about apologies without distinctions because it's too easy to have to "take the blame" rather than "taking the responsibility". These days not many people make any distinctions.

A weekend to remember

I've had friends in town for most of this long weekend...

Over the past few months, I've pulled back from my regular social activities and been keeping more to myself. I just wanted to get "grounded" in what it means to be me as well as get something things done. Somewhere along the way, I forgot something.

I've had friends in town for most of this long weekend. We've been out running around, tubing a nearby river, had wonderful Dim Sum breakfast, going to movies, the "occasional drink or two", watched the fireworks displays from a rooftop bar, rediscovering other, long lost friends, and "pasta-and-a-DVD" late nights and shots in the kitchen.

I have remembered what I had forgotten: the joy of great friends.

Terrorism uses Fear

Terrorism uses Fear to drive social or political change.
Doesn't that mean that anyone
who uses Fear to create social or political change,
is a terrorist?

"Litany Against Fear"

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

- Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear - From Frank Herbert's Dune Book Series

"And we're very, very pissed off."

Sometimes I hear things that resonate with me. I'll post a few here, from time to time.

"Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." - Tyler Durden, "Fight Club"

A Small Stone On Which To Sit

"A Small Stone On Which To Sit", sometimes that's all we need. Just a comfortable place to examine on other things. A place to speak from. Welcome to my blog.