Selfish Loyalties

Over the last several weeks, indeed, over the past year or more, it's comes to my attention that a few of the people that I know, loved and trusted shouldn't have been trusted. "Rumor has it..." has become a popular introductory phrase with some of my friends, some of which should know better than to ask privacy-invasive questions like that. Still others should know better because of the source of the rumors.

In the past, trust issues healed quickly for me because I was actively dismiss betrays just as the moment past. What I later found out was that if I continually forgot who was breaking trust with me, they would soon figure that out and continue to break trust and escalate the betrayals until someone got hurt. I had to learn to remember who had hurt me and keep them at a distance. This worked pretty well and, occasionally, I would get an acknowledgement and apology for truly bad "friendship" behaviors. In my youth, my friends and my enemies were often the same people.

I had expectations and I know that's where I went wrong. When I grew older, I longed for the day that "I would work with adults". I soon had this illusion broken. Though I still see some glimpses that there were a few true adults that could operate from a center of integrity. People of great integrity are few and far between and should be celebrated for their perseverance.

Now, as I am the adult and more the master of my own life, I am again bitten by the challenges of integrity, both others and my own. I see that some people feel that breaking their personal integrity (if it was ever there to be broken in the first place) can be easily self-absolved with "oh, it's just for fun" and "it's not a serious lie". Funny how the echo of a single falsehood reverberates so long and so deep.

And, like echoes of lies, deception and manipulation that overlap, eventually the echoes collide and resonate, shaking lose trust and eventually faith in people.

So, we come down to decision time: who to shut out, who to put up with, who to confide in and what to keep secret and private, hidden from all? It's tough to know what "the right answer" is. Do I make decisions on a case-by-case basis or do I decide that I've invested enough time and effort over the years on this problem and just "cut bait" on the people and problems? Neither sounds like fun and laughs. The former option means more work for me to adjusted to everyone else's lives. The latter means I choose me over everyone else - period. While the latter is sometimes the right answer, I can't be sure here. Were it a mere moment in time, it would pass unnoticed. But, as it has repeated again and again, echoing, I have to consider a new path.

I do know my responsibilities here. I did create things after all, formed in my own human needs and frailties, in my overly openness, kindness and my naivete about the core human spirit that everyone would share. And, as the originating noise was to be discrete, private and true, the echoes have distorted into something ugly, divisive and hurtful. So much so that people hearing these echoes speak ill and speak of harm's way. Even in jest, there is an element of truth here and, over time, the humor is lost and only base sentiments remains.

Complicating for me personally is growth. Growth is life for me. Change is life for me. Self awareness is life for me. Even as change creates fear and grief in me, I know it's why I am. Here I stand at the edge of more growth and change, the potential to destroy or release some people and things I have grown to love and appreciate. Time, this is the key. Were it only a "one off", a single isolated moment of time, this would pass unnoticed. But the accumulation of echoes brings my realization of how much I have learned about myself and other, and how much more I have turned a deaf ear to and a blinded eye upon. In the end, I have the responsibility of ownership in these echoes.

To what action, path or plan shall I take? Screaming back at the echoes heats the situation and people feelings. From "you're too sensitive", and "I was just joking" to "I feel like you don't want to be my friend anymore", taking a vocal stand is not popular, especially in today's society of "just go along with it quietly, idiot". The passive, deaf ear and blind eye has, like in my earlier years, gotten me "more of the same". As I do believe in the quote "the definition of insanity is to repeat the same action over and over and expect a different result", I am driven to make change, to take an action. After all, I already know that doing what I have already done will get me more of the same in the future.

So screaming about it is out. So silent, willful ignorance is out. What's left? Abdication? Resignation? Do I surrender to the people and their collective wills or do I surrender to my vision of life. Of late, even my personal vision has been under attack by my own self awareness. I cling to slivers of my integrity, for my personal visions of my life falters under the realities of my past decisions. If I lose another sliver, blasted by combining echoes, or new voices of dissonance or the very real possibilities of my being manipulated for someone else's selfish gain or goals, I may find myself lost to a void of directionless wonder... "This boat adrift."

I will find a way. Like other quotes, I believe in my own: "There are at least three ways to solve any problem: Do more, do the opposite, and do nothing." I have done more and I have done nothing. Now is the time to consider the opposites.

But, even as every plan is hatched, there is always a wild card that can alter every equation, every motive and intention, every success and failure. That wild card is people.